As my co-author pointed out, most of the guests we deal with are polite, rational, check in as they are supposed to, refrain from doing anything disgusting and so forth. BUT, why write about them? Normalcy is dull.
In light of that I provide you with the following anecdotes:
Randomly Racist Guest:
Our hotel changed operating systems recently, an "upgrade" than only occasionally feels like an improvement. Nothing new under the sun there, technology fails us all. However, due to a glitch in our system it was taking me a bit longer to check this group in. The guest noticed the sign by our desk listing the main corporation that owns the hotel, a corporation bearing a HINDI name. He piped up and announced "Well there is your problem! This place is run by a bunch of towel heads!" "Sir, that name is Hindi, not Arab. Not that that would have any bearing on the computer's operating system." "Well, it's the damn Jews and Arabs that are fucking up half the planet, I might could tolerate it if this was just owned by them fucking Jews. Don't take this personally now because I think you might be the cutest thing I ever done seen in all my days and it ain't your fault you gotta work with these people."
I am Jewish.
I was at the desk and a gentlemen I had just checked in meandered back to the desk and leaned slightly over the counter. I said, "Sir, how can I help you?" "I have a question. Do you ever sleep with married men?" "...ah, no." "That's quite a shame. Do you have any friends that do?" "No sir I'm fresh out of morally bankrupt friends looking to sleep men who could be their fathers. but should any of them decide to take a nose dive into depravity I'll give them your number."
The Panic-Stricken Wife
One evening my phone rings. It's the wife of a hotel guest she asks that I transfer the call to his room which I obligingly do. When the guest does't answer it rings the front desk again. She then asks me to transfer the call again. I inform her that he is not answering his phone she begs me to transfer the call anyway, which I do. It then rings the front again and the entire exchange is repeated. She is getting more and more agitated. She then erupts in a burst of irrational emotion yelling "HE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR AND HE'S STAYING THERE JUST TO CHEAT ON ME I KNOW IT!!! YOU'RE THE ONE HE'S THERE TO SEE AREN'T YOU!" "Ma'am, how could I be the one he's sleeping with at the moment when I'm here transferring your calls?"
Indoor and Outdoor
A guest walked up to the desk as they often do and asked if we had any outdoor rooms. I found this question odd as you have to drive past half the length of the building to get to the lobby entrance and it is clear there are no outside doors to the individual rooms but I simply assumed his powers of observation had failed him. I asked, "Do you mean rooms with direct access outside?" "No, I mean outside rooms." "Sir, I'm sorry but I'm not sure I follow you. What do you mean by outdoor rooms?" He groaned in exasperation and repeated, "I mean outdoor rooms!"
That's called CAMPING.
Poop...in the Pool
Awhile back a child had an accident in our pool. Let's just say it wasn't the kind that goes unnoticed in a pool. Or at least one would think. The completely embarrassed mother came to the desk to inform me of the problem and I went to the pool area to investigate (against my wishes as you can imagine). I find a pool with six ADULTS standing in the water watching a brown thing float in the center of the pool...I had to tell the adults to get out of the water...this did not occur to them on their own...
Please note, all future guest to this unnamed hotel, we cleaned the pool...